The BIG Three

In our search for happiness there are  whole slew of factors that we can take into account -- health, relationships, work, attitude, environment, religion, and many more. But what if you just want the quick and easy, Cliff's Notes version of happiness? Simple: Start with three questions:

1) What do I want to do?

2) Who do I want to do it with?

3) Where do I want to do it?

If you can come up with clear and comprehensive answers to these three questions, you are well on your way to creating a fulfilling, exciting, happy life.

1) What do you want to do? First and foremost, this question gets at your vocation, your calling in life. What makes your heart sing? What sets your soul on fire? It's probably best not to answer this question with a job title or traditional career name. "I want to be an architect," is not enough. What do you really love to do? What actions, activities, behaviors, etc. do you find both challenging and fulfilling? Carry this beyond work and into all of your life. Make your bucket list. What do you want to do before you die? What mountains (literal or metaphorical) do you want to climb? What things would you like to do just for the hell of it? Brainstorm the entire spectrum from the most sublime to the most ridiculous. Then, make sure that you do at least some of the things you love to do each day. And begin to design your life so that you can add more and more of these activities on a day-to-day basis.

2) Who do you want to do it with? Who do you want to spend your minutes, hours and days with? Family (maybe), friends, spouses, partners, lovers, colleagues -- who are the people around whom you feel most energized and alive? If your days are spent filled with people who don't make your preferred companions list, time to get busy re-designing your life to include more and more of the people who are most important to you. And, of course, remember to stay open to the fantastic new people who are just waiting to enter your world!

3) Where do you want to do it? Where in the world do you want to live? In what type of climate, environs, ecosystem, etc. do you feel most supported? In what kind of mini-environment do you want to work? What type of workspace gives you the best opportunity to be all that you can be, and have fun doing it?

By exploring and answering The BIG Three, you are looking at the holy trinity of happiness factors -- work, relationships and environment. Many of us spend more time working than any other single activity in our lives, with the possible exception of sleeping. If you're not happy in your work, you will not have an overall happy life. Period. 

More and more scientific studies and surveys are discovering that relationships are the single most important component of happiness. If you do not have enjoyable, interesting, loving relationships, even if you like your work, you will not be truly happy. 

Finally, environment can impact your happiness, like it or not. If you are stressed by the noise, pollution, dirt, bad weather, etc. in your environment then it's much harder to feel relaxed and happy. Your environment may never be perfect, and attempting to make it so may even be counterproductive, but you can make it better simply by the choices you make. 

So, here's a great way to end 2009 -- do a Happiness Audit. Ask yourself The BIG Three. Write down your answers. Then begin to brainstorm a list of possible actions you can take in 2010 to do more of what you love, spend more time with people you love, and create and discover more environments that you love. Post the list on your refrigerator, above your desk, or in another location where it is readily visible, and add to it whenever a new idea pops into your head. There it is, right before your very eyes -- your simple blueprint to a fantastically happy new year!

Five Happiness Traps

You think you know what it takes to find happiness. Just follow the yellow brick road, right? Not so fast! The road to happiness is riddled with sinkholes, traps, and dead ends according to Dan Baker and Cameron Stauth, authors of What Happy People Know. Specifically they enumerate Five Happiness Traps:

1) Trying to buy happiness

2) Trying to find happiness through pleasure

3) Trying to be happy by resolving the past

4) Trying to be happy by overcoming weakness

5) Trying to force happiness

While they spend much more time explaining trap number one than any of the others, we've already explored it a few times on this blog, so here's a quick and dirty synopsis of each trap. Just enough information so you'll know them when you see them and hopefully avoid them like the H1N1 virus!

1) Trying to buy happiness is a futile and misguided endeavor. As we've explained before, once you rise above the poverty level each increase in income produces a smaller and smaller corresponding  rise in happiness. Still, many of us persist in believing the more money = more happiness equation. Or, as was said back in the 80's, "Whoever dies with the most toys wins." What they win, though, is usually a miserable, shallow life! In a large survey 89% of Americans expressed the opinion that the U.S., as a whole, is "far too materialistic." Ironically, approximately the same percentage said they'd really like to have more! As the authors advise, "Financial security is fine. But it's not the path to happiness."

2) Trying to find happiness through pleasure is another dead end street. Sure, everyone wants some pleasure in their life, but maxing out on pleasure does not equal maximum happiness. What happens is that you become accustomed to whatever level of pleasure you experience, and the amount of stimulus it takes to make you happy starts to rise. You end up on what researchers call  "the hedonic treadmill," chasing pleasure faster and faster but with less and less resulting happiness.

3) Trying to be happy by resolving the past is the path of traditional clinical psychology. According to this school of thought remembering and reprocessing past trauma will free you from it, and you will automatically become happier. There are only three problems with his approach -- it takes a long time, it's very costly, and it doesn't work! Mere talk and processing don't produce happiness; action and transcendence do. Moving forward, not moving backwards is the way to be happy. As Baker and Stauth say, "Your powers of intellect and spirit can create new meanings out of old memories."

4) Trying to be happy by overcoming weakness is the standard self-help approach, but this attempt, too, is ill conceived and ineffective. Working with your weaknesses is painful. Working with your strengths is fun. Which would you rather do? Trying to fix weaknesses is reactive; building upon your strengths is proactive. Finally, whatever you focus upon expands. Focusing upon your weaknesses in  fact pours energy into them. Focusing upon your strengths makes you stronger and more powerful, and then you are even more capable of building a joyous,  happy life.

5) Trying to force happiness is totally unnecessary and counterproductive. As the old Zen saying goes, "don't push the river, it flows by itself."Simple physics tells us that "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." Chase happiness and it runs away; try and force happiness, and it resists. The authors have identified 12 qualities of happiness on which you should put your attention. Develop these qualities, and happiness is the inevitable result. 

But whoa, twelve qualities sounds like a lot! Better leave those for another day. For today, just familiarize yourself with the Five Happiness Traps and don't be seduced by them. Appreciate what you have, enjoy simple pleasures, be present-centered, enjoy your strengths, and let the happiness flow! 

Why Aren't We Happier?

Why aren't we happier? In comparison to the rest of the known universe we've got it pretty damn good. With a cursory glance, you'd think we'd a be happy all the time, all the time... but we're not.

Happiness researchers tell us that on the whole people are no happier now than they were 50 years ago, even though we make alot more money, our homes are way bigger, crime rates are lower, the air is cleaner, and our overall quality of life is better. What gives?

Well, believe it or not, happiness takes work. Mere consumption will never make us happy. As I've reported in previous posts, money only buys happiness if it is buying your way out of poverty. Beyond that, the Law of Diminishing Returns kicks in, and every increase in income produces a smaller and smaller rise in happiness or well being.

So what does produce happiness? Conscious actions that are well within your control. Here are some of them:

* Flow experiences

* Counting your blessings

* Random acts of kindness

* Forgiveness

* Enjoying small pleasures

* Taking care of your health

* Building strong relationships

1) Flow experiences are those times when you're truly in the zone, when what you're doing is so engaging that you are totally absorbed by it, and you completely lose track of time. Flow is brought on by your willing engagement in creative challenges that inspire you and require you to do your best. Watching football in your Lazy Boy Recliner ain't going to put you in flow! Flow comes from doing what you love to do at the highest level you can possibly do it. It's the ultimate fun.

2) Counting your blessings has nothing to do with resting on your laurels or being smug. It has everything to do with realizing what a great life you have -- full of wonderful people, exciting opportunities, natural beauty, and unlimited grace. The secret is in writing down the things you are grateful for -- at least five a day. Research finds that by noting what you are thankful for, you actually become happier! Are you the high tech type? Then throw away the diary and chart your gratitudes online at http://GratitudeLog.com

3)  Random acts of kindness are a great way of letting the inherent goodness of life pulse through you. And, lo and behold, doing something nice for somebody else makes you happier, too! Who'd have thunk it? Maybe there really is something to that "it's more blessed to give than receive" stuff. Don't overanalyze it, just do it. Be spontaneous and let the random acts be truly random -- no ulterior motives, no paybacks.

4) Forgiveness is not just some goody two shoes way to be, it's pure common sense. We all fuck up. We all need forgiveness. It's as simple as that. And we all need to forgive others as much as we need them to forgive us. People who forgive, who get over it and let it go, are much happier than people who hang onto old hurts, slights, and animosities. You aren't hurting others by not forgiving, you're hurting yourself. Be big in both heart and mind -- forgive.

5) Enjoying small pleasures it turns out is more critical to your happiness than chasing peak experiences. Sure it's nice to go on an incredible vacation every now and then or have a once in a lifetime adventure, but enjoyment on a day-to-day basis actually adds much more to your overall sense of well being. Small pleasures are all around you, but they are different for everyone. Be a happiness detective and find the mini-moments of happiness that are hidden in your life.

6) Taking care of your health may not actually make you that happy, but it will give you the capacity to enjoy life longer and more fully, and in that way experience more happiness. It's much harder to be happy when you're infirm, sick, run down, or completely out of shape. 

7) Building strong relationships is fun in and of itself. Maintaining those relationships is, for most people, a great source of happiness. You talk and laugh and eat and drink together. You partake in activities that both of you enjoy. You reminisce about the past, plan for the future, and enjoy the present together. For many people, relationships are the number one source of happiness!

Why aren't we happier? Because we don't consciously do these seven things. We float along waiting for the economy to improve, the weather to get better, or our favorite sports team to win, and we don't take responsibility for own happiness. Gregg Easterbrook author of The Progress Paradox: How Life Gets Better While People Feel Worse, puts it this way: "It requires some effort to achieve a happy outlook on life, and most people don't make it. Most people take the path of least resistance."

But not you! No reason for you to be a "least resister." You can undertake the effort required to create happier life, a happier you. Get started now. The Lazy Boy Recliner won't even miss you.

Happiness Rituals

Athletes have performance rituals, musicians have pre-performance rituals, churches have ceremonial rituals, so why shouldn't you have Happiness Rituals? Tal Ben-Shahar, author of Happier, thinks you, me, and all God's children should.  Ben-Shahar defines a Happiness Ritual as any repetitive act that makes you happier -- happier both in the moment and in the long term. So, eating a whole chocolate cake, consuming an entire 12 pack of Bud, or any other sort of over-indulgence is not quite what he has in mind.

What he does have in mind are things like yoga, walking, meditation, journaling, a date with your spouse or partner once a week, etc. Things that may require a bit of effort at first but which produce positive results almost immediately, and on an ongoing basis. To make the activity into a ritual, though, you must do it on a regular basis for at least 30 days. That's how long psychologists tell us it take to create habit. And a Happiness Ritual is nothing more than a consciously chosen happiness habit.

We also have what we might call "unhappiness rituals" or "unhappiness habits," as well. These aren't addictions, but rather actions we continue to do, almost unconsciously, which actually sap, rather than nourish, our happiness. Things like mindlessly surfing the Internet, gossiping, watching way too much TV, and any other activity that we undertake too frequently and that leaves us feeling dulled or drained rather than energized qualifies as an unhappiness ritual.

You can increase your happiness substantially simply by increasing your Happiness Rituals and decreasing your unhappiness rituals. You don't have to change jobs or spouses, you don't have to move to a new house, state or continent, and you certainly don't have to reinvent yourself! You simply need to undertake small, simple acts that make you happy, and give up doing mindless stuff that no longer serves you.

Start small. Choose one, or at the most two, Happiness Rituals to add to your life. Have fun with them, but also take them seriously. Do the act, or acts, regularly for at least a month. Also choose one unhappiness ritual to jettison from your life. Just quit it cold turkey. Don't do it for at least a month and automatically the time you used to waste on it will be filled with something else, hopefully something more positive.

Don't know what to choose? Ask yourself two questions:

* What one thing, if I did it on a regular basis, would most improve my life?

* What one thing I do now, that if I quit doing it, would definitely improve my life?

Answer the questions. Operationalize the answers. And enjoy your new found happiness!

Gross National Happiness

The former King of Bhutan decided there must be a better way to measure a society's real success than Gross National Product (GNP). So, in 1972, Jigme Singye Wangchuck coined the term Gross National Happiness (GNH). GNH was his attempt to approach a country's well being from a more holistic perspective, one that balances both material and spiritual development. Since he was king at the time, he decided to use GNH as the guiding principle for Bhutan's overall planning process.

The king took into account four aspects of GNH -- economic, cultural, environmental, and governmental. Specifically he looked at:

1) Sustainable development

2) Preservation and promotion of cultural values

3) Conservation of the natural environment

4) Establishment of good governance

While this is not the place to enumerate the specifics of each of the four components, it is easy to see that this approach to GNH is much more sophisticated and comprehensive than merely counting how much money is spent in any given period, as is done with GNP or Gross Domestic Product (GDP). The underlying value stressed by GNH is that the overall well being of citizens is more important than merely increasing their rates of consumption. In other words, you can consume a shitload of products, services, and resources (i.e. spend a whole lot of money) and still not be truly happy. Furthermore, short term consumption, which may be fun in the moment, can lead to long term unhappiness, especially if that consumption is based upon unsustainable development, greed and selfishness, polluting the environment, and  corrupt government!

As you may have already guessed, though, GNH cannot be measured directly. Neither can you hook someone up to a Happy Meter or a Well Being Monitor to find out exactly how their life is going. What you can do, however, is measure those factors that in aggregate supposedly produce GNH. Med Yones, President of the International Institute of Management, has identified seven of those factors. They are:

1) Economic Wellness

2) Environmental Wellness

3) Physical Wellness

4) Mental Wellness

5) Workplace Wellness

6) Social Wellness

7) Political Wellness

Here are a few of the measurable components that make up each factor. 

1) Economic wellness is more than just GNP or average per capita income. It includes the overall debt of citizens, the ratio of prices to income levels, and the income distribution throughout the country. So, when the middle class continues to shrink and there is a bigger and bigger gap between the rich and the poor, like we have in the good ole US of A today, we are not exactly the paragons of economic wellness!

2) Environmental wellness is made up of simple measures like pollution, noise, and the safety of both human and other life forms. Trash the environment in the name of progress and environmental wellness goes into the crapper, too.

3) Physical wellness has to do with issues surrounding disease rates, longevity, use of prescription medication, physical capacity, etc. It's hard to be happy if you and/or the people around you are sick all the time.

4) Mental wellness, like physical wellness, uses direct surveys of citizens, as well as the overall use in the society of anti-depressants, and the rise and fall of the numbers of patients in psychotherapy as measurable components. Suffering on a mental level, like physical suffering reduces happiness greatly.

5) Workplace wellness is measured by employees self-reports about their happiness in the workplace as well as by unemployment rates, job changes, and the number and type of lawsuits filed against employers. Since during the majority of our lives we spend more time working than doing any other single activity, if we're not happy at work, we're just not very happy!

6) Social wellness looks at discrimination, divorce rates, crime rates, and once again lawsuits, as well as survey results. Even if these things don't look like they impact you directly they have a hidden and powerful impact upon both society and your individual quality of life.

7) Political wellness factors in the degree of individual freedom citizens have, the number of foreign conflicts the nation is involved in, the degree of local democracy, and citizen participation in the community.

So, what does all this talk of GNH and its component factors have to do with you? First, the same factors that make for a happy society or culture make for happy individuals. Mind these seven aspects of your own life, and you will experience greater wellness and higher levels of happiness. Secondly, thinking of the success of our communities and of our nation from the more holistic perspective of GHP, rather than from the overly simplistic measurements of GNP or GDP,  helps us decide who we want to vote for, who we want in leadership positions, and not just how they will vote on specific special interests, but how they will contribute to our overall happiness, both as individuals and as a nation. 

Gross National Happiness is one of the most useful concepts out there when it comes to happiness. It doesn't take into account everything, or really solve anything, but it does, as Jigme Singye Wangchuck hoped, help us create both a good life and a good society.

Happiness Activities

Sonja Lyubomirsky, a psychologist at the University of California Riverside, has written a powerful book on happiness that is based on solid, scientific research. Entitled The How of Happiness, it's the sort of book you need to read if you take happiness seriously, or if you're going to get a PhD in happiness. 

First she tells us that only 40% of what makes for happiness is within our day-to-day control. In her opinion a full 50% of our happiness is due to genetic factors which create the "happiness set point" that I have discussed in previous postings. 10% of our happiness is determined by conditions such as wealth, martial status, etc., which while influenceable by us are not within are control on a daily basis.

And even the 40% of happiness over which we indeed do have control requires a lot of work on our part. Dr. Lyubomirsky does not see happiness as a mere child's game. The work she suggests we do has to do with practicing a dozen happiness-inducing activities. Here's a list of the activities she has identified as helping to produce true happiness:

1) Expressing gratitude

2) Cultivating optimism

3) Avoiding over-thinking and social comparisons

4) Practicing acts of kindness

5) Nurturing social relationships

6) Developing strategies for coping

7) Learning to forgive

8) Increasing flow experiences

9) Savoring life's joys

10) Committing to your goals

11) Practicing religion and/or spirituality

12) Taking care of your body

That's a pretty extensive list! Look it over and right away you'll see you're much better at some of these activities than you are at others. The idea is not to undertake activities in each of the 12 categories everyday. Hell, you wouldn't have time to do anything else! Instead, choose two or three types of activities that really excite you, and consciously work in those arenas. So, let's say that practicing acts of kindness and developing coping strategies both get you jazzed. Start doing more kind things on a daily basis. Read a book on coping mechanisms, attend a lecture or workshop, or talk with a psychotherapist. Focus on these two happiness-inducing categories for a period of time and see what your results are.

Eventually, you may want to work your way around to some of the activities that may be harder for you, like learning to forgive, or taking care of your body. There is no right or wrong order here. Do any of these activities any time you can with the long term goal being creating a balanced, harmonious, integrated life in which your are doing literally everything within your power to experience happiness on an ongoing basis.

Don't stress over the list, have fun with it! Create games in various categories. Work on some types of activities  with friends, colleagues, or family members. As Forest Gump might say, "Happy is as happy does." And whatever that means, though it may not be proven scientifically, I think it's still damn good advice!