Happiness Myths

Robert Holden is kind of different, at least as far as happiness theory is concerned. The author of Happiness Now, Holden is a strong proponent of the happiness begins within school of thought. Not just begins, but also resides there and ends there as well.  "Happiness is not in things," he say, "happiness is in you." He is especially adept as pointing out the mistaken notions we have regarding what we need in order to be happy. Here are three of our most prevalent errors.

1) More -- I need more to be happy. More money, more sex, more hair, more time, more love, more friends, more lawn ornaments in my yard -- you get the picture, more of anything. More is nothing but a morass according to Holden. You never need more of anything to be happy, and anytime you think you do all you're doing is putting your happiness on hold.

2) Next -- The next lover, spouse, job, new house, pair of shoes, etc. will make me happy. Next is just more in drag. Once the initial thrill of getting the next anything wears off, you're right back to your old level of happiness, or misery, as the case my be. All external things fall victim to The Adaption Principle. What this means is that you will soon begin to take the more or the next for granted, and it will no longer cause the little buzz of pleasure that it initially provided.

3) There -- Happiness is over there somewhere, and as soon as I get there, I'll be happy. "There" can be a new geographic location, a new relationship state (married, divorced, etc.), a new activity (college, retirement) or a new identity (doctor, saint, business owner, etc.). The problem with "there" is that happiness is always on the horizon, always kept at bay, because one "there" is inevitably replaced by another and another and another, until you're at the point where the only way you can be happy is to lose your life and be in heaven or reincarnated or something!

The truth, according to Holden is that happiness is always here, always now. "Happiness does not come and go," he points out, "what comes and goes is your attunement to happiness." In other words, if you can't be happy right here, right now, you ain't ever going to be truly happy. 

That changes the whole nature of the game. Instead of trying to get more, next, and there, we need to focus on the attunement process. No more moving around the deck chairs on the Titanic, we need to focus within rather than without. 

How do we attune? Stay tuned and find out, because that will the subject of the next post.

Ten Secrets to Finding Happiness

Everybody wants to be happy! Even the readers of U.S. News & World Report. So on July 22nd of this year, the magazine ran an article on Ten Secrets to Finding Happiness. While we've covered some of these before, it's always good to have a reminder or two as to what really are the ingredients of happiness. As you read these, do a Self Audit in which you ask your self which of the secrets you've been neglecting lately, and how you might increase your happiness by giving these elements just a bit more attention.

 Without further ado, a summary of the Ten Secrets along with a bit of commentary from yours truly:

 1) Spend money on experiences rather than things. It's simple: You feel more alive and energized by skiing, traveling, going to a play, than you do from the latest gizmo or gadget that Madison Avenue is hawking. Also, experiences have more of an incomparable quality, while someone will always have a bigger TV, fancier cell phone, or more chic purse than you. Better to have a life rich in experience and poor in stuff than the other way around.

 2) Set and pursue meaningful life goals. Wealth, fame and improved personal appearance are shallow, meaningless goals that do very little to produce long term happiness. On the other hand, goals that encompass personal growth, service to other, and intrinsic joy are the building blocks of the good life.

 3) Be open and receptive to the here and now. To do so, to nourish present-centered awareness, you must drop judgement and worry. Simply perceive and observe, what is happening in the present moment, and you will be amazed at the joy that is inherent in it. Happiness is never in the past or the future. Happiness is always, right here, right now.

 4) Build meaningful relationships. People with joyful lives surround themselves with joyful and supportive people. Happiness increases when you have people you can count on and when you experience a sense of belonging. 

 5) Recognize and capitalize on your strengths. You have both internal characteristics and external skills that help make you who you are. The mere expression of these characteristics and use of these skills will bring you joy, regardless of any outcomes you produce. The more you express your essential nature, your true self, the happier you will be!

 6) Count your blessings. The formula is straightforward and simple -- gratitude increases happiness. Stop, think, and literally count all the blessings in your life, all the people, places, ideas and things for which you are grateful. Take this gratitude inventory everyday. I like to do it while exercising; it helps make the time go faster and exercises my heart in two ways at once.

 7) Keep an optimism journal. Take a few minutes each day to write down positive interpretations of seemingly negative events. You know, practice the old glass is half full perspective, even when you don't have a friggin' glass! Also write about the positive changes that you are making or plan to make in your life.  Keep your spirits up by getting the words down.

 8) Ask others advice. Want to know what will make you happy, ask others what makes them happy. Did they like that new Thai restaurant? Was the cruise worth the money?  Sure, not everyone has the same emotional responses to things as you do, but friends, family, neighbors, and even film critics can sometimes clue you into how you'll respond to a given experience.

 9) Get out and sweat! You know it, I know it, all God's children know it -- exercise releases endorphins and other mood altering chemicals that make you feel so good you put James Brown to shame! It's the first step out of the old Lazy Boy Recliner that's the hardest. Just remember that research shows that "burning off 350 calories three times a week in sustained, sweat-inducing activity can reduce symptoms of depression about as effectively as antidepressants." Feeling, down? Get up, and move, move, move!

 10) Do small acts of kindness. Help someone else feel better, and you'll feel better, too. Happiness is way more contagious than H1N1 virus, and it's a beautiful kind of contagion. Even when you're not feeling happy, helping others can bring happiness to two -- them and you. As the bumper sticker says, "Practice random acts of kindness." What else you got to do?

 Ten secrets may seem like alot, but no doubt you're doing some of these things already. Focus on the ones you're not doing, and try them out, even if they seem like a bit of a stretch at first, and find out what happens. You are your own semi-scientific happiness experiment. Your life is your petrie dish. Plant the seeds of happiness and watch them grow!

Stoic Happiness

Stoicism is a school of Hellenistic philosophy founded way back in the third century B.C. So, what do these old Greek dudes have to do with you and your happiness today? The Stoics offer us ancient wisdom for post-modern times. Their approach to happiness, not unlike some Eastern approaches, is strong on self-control and self-determination. Epictetus and the other Stoics would say your real happiness has nothing to do with your job, income level, home, friends, or even your health. 

Basically for the Stoics, happiness is derived from thee things:

1) Living in harmony with the Universe

2) Gratefully and gracefully accepting what life gives you

3) Not taking anything personally

Like the Taoists, the Stoics believe that living in harmony with the Universe has alot to do with following the ways of nature. Or, as it says in The Bible (and in that old Byrds song), "to everything there is a season." Expansion/contraction, gain/loss, success/failure -- these, and all other pairs of opposites, will continue to alternate throughout your life. The Stoics see this, understand this, and refuse to go on an emotional roller coaster ride because of it. Harmonize with the natural cycles of life, the say, and all will be copacetic!

Not only does it make no sense to push the river, say the Stoics, it is also stupid and self-destructive to piss and moan about life giving you a raw deal. Whatever you get, accept it, enjoy it and move on. Be open to what comes your way, and don't worry, good or bad, it too shall pass. 

Finally, the Stoics say, "Hey, dude, don't take it so friggin' personally!" The path to happiness leads directly from the personal to the impersonal. The sun shines on all equally, thus be like the sun.

This whole Stoic approach to happiness is what we might call a school of the Internal Way. External conditions mean nothing to the Stoics. Happiness is all about internal self-control and external harmony. As the most famous Stoic philosopher, Epictetus, puts it: "If, therefore, any man be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy because of himself alone." Larry Winget and Dr. Phil meet your predecessor, Epictetus!

The Stoic ideal is The Sage, the person who sees and accepts life for what it is and has thus transcended all negative emotions. Fear, hate, anger, sadness, and all other negative emotions are seen as barriers to happiness. Get your mind right, Luke, and those emotions will be a thing of the past and happiness will be your normal, everyday state. Then, no matter what fortune befalls you, you remain happy, happy, happy all the time. Or as Epictetus says, "sick and yet happy, in peril and yet happy, dying and yet happy, in exile and happy, in disgrace and happy."

A tall order? Perhaps. But an intriguing proposition. Can you harmonize, can you accept, can you impersonalize enough to find happiness ever and always within? Only way to know -- try it!

People & Activities You Love

Hey, it's the weekend -- time for exercise! The exercise I have in mind, though, can be done without even moving your lazy butt off the sofa. So, let's set it up.

It makes sense that when you're around people that you love (or at least really like) or when  you're doing activities that you love or really like, you're going to be pretty damn happy. The key is in identifying those people and activities and spending more time, with them, or doing them. ;>)

So, take a blank sheet of paper and make a list of ten people you really love being with. Next to each name write down the date you were last with them. Some of them, like close family members, you may spend time with everyday. But, if you're like most of us, you don't spend much time with at least half the people on your list. It's simple: If you want to be happier, make spending time with these happiness-inducing people a priority in your life. 

Can't see them very often because they live in Timbuktu? That's where technology comes in. Skype them, text them, email them, send them videos on YouTube, call them, or even use the good ole USPS and send them a real card or letter. One way or another make sure you spend your life with happy people, as well as with the people whose presence makes you happy.

Exercise part deux: Make a list of ten activities that give you that old happiness, endorphin rush. And, of course, next to each activity, note the date you last partook. Two of the things on my list are tennis and swimming. I was swimming just yesterday, but I haven't played tennis for months. For me, more tennis would equal more happiness. You'll probably find a similar pattern. Jettison the passive stuff you do just out of habit like watch TV, read crappy novels, or surf the Internet, and replace them with things from your top ten list, and * voila * more happiness in your life!

It's not magic, or Herculean effort, it's just common sense. One way guaranteed to increase your happiness is to make happiness a priority. Hang out with your "happy people" do your "happy acts" and naturally, effortlessly more ecstatic moments and more happy days will be yours.

Happy Countries

Some university or research institute is always producing a top ten list of The Happiest Countries in the World. While results tend to vary a bit, as a whole Scandinavian countries seem to kick ass when it comes to happiness. In two of the most recent studies, (one by the University of Michigan, the other by the University of Rotterdam), Denmark topped the list of happy nations. What makes the Danes so happy? Here's what the experts, and the citizens themselves, think:

1) Danes have low expectations, kind of like Cubs fans. If you've ever been to Wrigley Field, you've had a small taste of Denmark! Nobody really expects the Cubs to win, but everybody is having one helluva good time. Danes encourage artistic expression of all forms, from everybody, and who cares if your music sucks or your paintings are horrendous? The fun is in the doing, not in the so-called achieving. 

2) Free education and healthcare is provided to all citizens. Sure, it's not really free, it's paid for with tax money, but everyone gets health care and everyone gets higher education without an additional dime out of their pockets. This makes for a healthy, educated populace, which has a direct impact upon happiness levels. The lesson for us here in the States is, even though it's not free, stay as healthy, and get as educated, as you can.

3) Everybody lives within 20 minutes of the water. OK, that's an impossible standard to replicate in larger countries, but it's not an impossible choice for you to make on an individual or family level. It may not be an ocean, but any body of water bigger than your bathtub seems to have a soothing, calming, happiness-inducing effect.

4) Danes don't drive much. Given the best public transportation system in the world, and a predilection for bike riding, (not to mention the high tax on automobiles), Danes avoid the stresses and strains of driving. Choose the right environment to reside in -- from small town to large metropolis --  and you can, too.

5) Workers average five weeks off per year. Downtime, vacation, holiday, R & R -- call it what you will -- it is a key to enjoying life. If you're not getting, or taking, at least five weeks off per year, find a way to make it happen, even if it means a reduction in income or a change of job.

6) Danes drink alot of beer! Again, just like the denizens of Wrigley Field. Beer is the beverage of fun! Sure, wine runs second and tequila is a little over the top, but beer is the clear choice of the not just Denmark, but many of the top ten happiest countries. Don't drink beer and don't plan to start? OK. What does beer provide that you can find another means of experiencing? Camaraderie, relaxation, a break from daily stress and worries, among other things. Find other ways to enjoy those important components of life, stick to your herbal tea, and see if you're happier than your average Mormon.

But perhaps the most interesting thing about the Danes being the happiest people in the world is that they also pay the highest taxes in the world. In the U.S. there's always lots of grumbling about paying more taxes, but in terms of happiness the good ole US of A ranks 17th. Maybe if we spent our tax money on education, health care, public transportation, and vacations, rather than on war, corporate bailouts and pork barrel projects, our tax allergy would cease, and we'd all be a whole lot happier!

Happiness Habits

Some people think happiness is all about cultivating the proper habits. Rich Koch, author of The 80/20 Principle is one of those peeps. Rich has identified 7 daily habits, which he asserts if practiced religiously (or even paganly), will increase your "average daily happiness quotient" (my made-up, pseudo-scientific term). 

So, here are his habits:

1) Exercise

2) Mental stimulation

3) Spiritual stimulation

4) Doing a good turn

5) Taking a pleasure break with a friend

6) Giving yourself a treat

7) Congratulating yourself

1) Exercise -- We all know it's good for us both physically and mentally, but few of us do it   consistently. Two approaches that will help you maintain an exercise regimen: One, do something you enjoy. I enjoy tennis, swimming, walking. I like doing all these activities outdoors. I don't enjoy working out with machines, exercising in a sweaty, stinky indoor facility or playing team sports. So for me, to join the Y, a fitness club, or a bowling team is a  waste of both time and money. Second, exercise with a friend. I never would have run a marathon if I hadn't had a couple of friends to train with, and another to run it with. Camaraderie makes exercise less painful.

2) Mental stimulation -- This is more than just doing Sudoku, or an occasional crossword puzzle. Mental stimulation is about learning new things, updating your fossilized opinions, expanding your mind. Reading and discussion are two of the best ways of self-stimulating your brain, especially if you read in areas you are unfamiliar with and talk with people who are very different than you.

3) Spiritual stimulation -- just means spiritual practices of any kind. You don't have to participate in any formalized religion, so long as you find a way, whether throughmeditation, nature, dancing, contemplation, or whatever, of tapping into the Spirit larger than your own ego. The beginning of each day, before things get hectic, is for many people the best time to do their spiritual practice. 

4) Doing a good turn -- Hey, it ain't all about you! Even your own happiness isn't all about you. Help another, get happy. It's a simple formula. The only trick is you can't expect anything in return. No expectations, no attachments. Do the good turn because you enjoy doing good turns. A simple, powerful way to increase happiness for two -- them and you.

5) Taking a pleasure break with a friend -- and if  it's "a friend with benefits," so much the better! Actually, "the friend' part is the most important element here. Finding time each day to hang out with a friend -- whether in person, on the Internet,  or on the phone - - will just flat out make you happier. In fact that may be one good definition of a friend: A friend is one whose presence makes you happier.

6) Giving yourself a treat -- is a great way to be your own friend. Indulge in something you really enjoy. Variety and moderation are key here, except for the once in a blue moon blowout. Your treat doesn't have to be eating an entire box of Thin Mint Girl Scout cookies, it can be just a couple of cookies. Great treat, good exercise in willpower, too! The important thing is that each day you do at least one thing, or have at least one thing, that you don't have to do or have, and that you really enjoy.

7) Congratulating yourself -- Time for some self back patting. Everyday you do some amazing things! Everyday you go beyond the basics of eating, sleeping and taking a dump to do nice things for others, for your neighborhood, for the planet. Don't be so modest -- I know you do! So each night, right before you fall asleep, congratulate yourself on at least three things you did today. End the day on a high note, and your much more likely to wake up on one.

I'm not saying that Rich Koch is the Einstein of happiness, and this is the magic formula. I am saying that none of these 7 habits are going to hurt you, and in cultivating them you may be surprised how much they help you. Sure, there's more to happiness than these seven suggestions, but if you start these happiness habits today, we can talk about the more tomorrow. 

Oh yeah, and why not try an eighth habit as well -- smile!

Happiness & Time

Another way to look at happiness is through the lenses of time. From this perspective your happiness is composed of three components:

* Ecstatic moments

* Happy days

* A good life

Ecstatic moments are the peak experiences in life, the ones that send you right off the top of your own personal Richter Scale. According to Jennifer Michael Hecht, author of The Happiness Myth, traditionally individuals and cultures have enjoyed four kinds of ecstasy:

* Drug induced

* Sexual

* Bacchanalian

* Spiritual

You don't have to be a smack freak to enjoy the drug induced kind. That first jolt of caffeine from your morning coffee is a mini-moment of drug induced ecstasy. Alcohol, chocolate, tobacco, tofu (OK, maybe not tofu) all contain euphoria inducing chemicals.

If you've gotten this far in life and you don't know what sexual ecstasy is, take a field trip to The Kinsey Institute, or call Dr. Ruth.

Bacchanalian ecstasy is better known by the term "party!" Group celebrations, holidays, rites of passage, all contain, if done right, the bacchanalian element of euphoria.

And finally, spiritual ecstasy, those all-encompassing, intuitive moments of harmony, clarity, and bliss. Hard to describe because they blur the personal-universal dichotomy, moments of spiritual ecstasy are "you'll know it when you feel it" type experiences that are so powerful as to leave you nearly speechless.

All four types of ecstasy are important, though your happiness depends on finding your own individual mix, and being ready, willing and able to remix the elements as your priorities change and your life circumstances warrant.

But wait -- we've still got happy days and the good life to discuss! Happy days are just as they sound -- days in which you do that which you really enjoy with people you really love. Happy days are spent in all kinds of ways -- lazy summer days with the kids or grandkids, or doing work you love, or traveling to either new ports or down well-worn paths, or physical activity like gardening or sports. Whatever makes your heart sing and your eyes shine can be an integral component of a happy day.

One secret of happy days is being able to both plan & flow. Choosing to do things you love is important. Getting too rigid about how the day has to go, though, is a real buzz kill. Many a happy day takes unexpected twists and turns, and it's the very elements of serendipity and surprise that make it so wonderful.

And now, to the good life. The good life is the overall tenor of your time here on this planet. It's when you look back from the rocking chair and assess how it all went. Imagine yourself in that position -- how many woulda, coulda, shouldas will you have? Obviously, part of having a good life is to make it chocked full of ecstatic moments and happy days. But it's more than that. The good life is your own personal evaluation of how you've chosen to spend your time and how satisfied you are with those ongoing choices.

As with damn near everything in life, the secret is in the balance. Spend too much time chasing ecstasy and you may end up on a roller coaster ride that leads far, far away from the good life. Invest too much time and energy into planning the perfect life, and you may experience all the ecstasy of a maintenance engineer grinding out 40 hours a week for 40 years at a waste water treatment plant in Siberia. Ho-hum... And, if you get too controlling and  try to make everyday a happy day, you'll end up with a disastrous,  National Lampoon Vacation type of life.

Yeah, even happiness takes some work, or at least foresight, flexibility and attention. And, it's never one size fits all. Your mix of moments, days and overall life will be different than mine, different than your best friend or spouse's even, uniquely, quirkily your own. Embrace it. Play with it. One thing we need to be careful about with all this happiness research is that we don't get too damn serious about happiness!

Ecstatic moments, happy days, a good life -- may you enjoy them all!

Happiness Factors

Many researchers tell us that there are three sets of factors that help determine our individual levels of happiness:

* Genetic

* External

* Internal

On the genetic level some of us, as happiness expert and University of Virginia professor Jonathan Haidt puts it, "won the cortical lottery." In other words we are genetically and neurologically predisposed to being happy. Many times these folks are the ones who are primarily left-brained and right handed. (Don't worry, if you are predominantly right-brained and left handed, like me, you aren't doomed to a life of depression and woe -- read on!)

The genetic factors pertaining to happiness help determine our "happiness set point," i.e. that level of happiness to which we naturally return, eventually, even after really good or really bad things have happened to us. According to some estimates, though, our happiness set point and the attendant genetic factors determine only about 40% of our current happiness level, and even the set point can be influenced to a certain degree by both external and internal factors.

External factors affecting our happiness, however, are the ones which we tend to overvalue the most. As Haidt tells us, ""most environmental and demographic factors influence happiness very little." Increasing your income level, beyond the amount of money necessary to fulfill your basic needs, has very little positive effect on happiness. One naturalistic piece of evidence for this contention is The College Test. Think back to your college days. If you were like most college students, your income was severely limited, and yet many people describe their college years as the happiest time in their life. (What external factors can increase or decrease your happiness will be discussed in a future post --stay tuned!).

So, what is the factor that has the greatest influence on your happiness? How you use your mind! Call it emotional intelligence, memory management, affective style, positive thinking, or any other of a myriad names floating around out there. They all mean the same thing -- happiness begins within! "Don't Worry, Be Happy," is more than just the title of an upbeat song, it's sound psychological advice.

But how to stop worrying, how to not let your fears, desires and fantasies control your mind, there, as our buddy Billy S would say, "is the rub." Mind management is not a weekend workshop; it's a lifelong practice. And here's a great place to begin -- a book by Martin Seligman, father of the Positive Psychology movement entitled Learned Optimism. Read it. Practice it. Take control of your happiness by learning to take control of your mind. What could be more important?