How to Make Yourself Really, Really Unhappy!

Want to drive yourself crazy? Want to make yourself really, really unhappy? It's simple -- refuse to accept reality. Try and control that which is out of your control. Do that (and don't we all do that to one extent or another), and I guarantee you that you will be one unhappy dude or dudette.

A couple of posts ago I talked about what is under your control, and, lo and behold, it tuns out that the only thing you even have the possibility to control is you. Your actions and your attitudes are within your sphere of control. Everything else -- no way, Jose!

If you have kids or loved ones or even noisy neighbors, you know that you can't control others. You can at times influence them, in either positive or negative ways, but you can't control them. Your sphere of influence actually includes everyone whose life intersects with yours in anyway whatsoever. In other words you have the potential to influence a whole lot more people than you've ever imagined.

Most of us don't even come close to maximizing our sphere of influence, though. Why? Because we don't do a very good job of controlling ourselves. Your influence is the greatest when your character shines the brightest. When you are impeccable in all your actions and interactions with others, they will be much more open to your influence. Lack integrity, lack self-control, though, and your sphere of influence begins to shrivel.

There is one aspect of our relationship with reality that we can control, however, and it is our interpretation of reality. As happiness researcher and University of Virginia professor Jonathan Haidt says, " Events in the world affect us through our interpretation of them, so if we can control our interpretation, we can control our world." Furthermore, your interpretation is what fuels your action or reaction.

Imagine: You go to work and one of your coworkers is short and snippy and just plain bitchy with you. One interpretation is that she must not like you. Another is that she's just a dyed-in-the-wool, cold-hearted bitch! A third is that she's had a a rough day, week, childhood, or life, and so she's learned dysfunctional behaviors, like taking out her pain on other people. How you treat her will depend to a large degree on your interpretation of how she treats you. 

The worse thing you can do, the thing that is most likely to increase your unhappiness exponentially, is to move beyond just not accepting reality to actively resisting it. Byron Katie, a contemporary spiritual teacher and author, puts it this way: "You scare yourself stuck because what you resists persists." In other words, the energy of your resistance feeds the very thing that you don't like, thus strengthening and perpetuating it. 

So, let's say there's something going on in he world that you don't like -- event, person, whatever. You say or think, either out loud or to yourself,  this thing makes me so unhappy! You've got these tools at your disposal:

1) Acceptance. Even if you're going to actively work to change things, you will have much better leverage if you first accept things as they are.

2) Interpretation. Maybe it's not reality that's gone awry, but merely your interpretation of reality. Change your interpretation to a more positive and empowering one, and like magic your happiness level increases!

3) Expand your sphere of influence. Besides controlling yourself, the way to expand your influence with others is to get to know them, understand them, and really care about them. When they experience you coming from that perpsective, they will be much more open to being influenced by you.

4) Choose not to give a damn! That may sound harsh, but it's a very effective strategy and an integral part of life. When events or people get way too frustrating, you can many times choose to focus your energy, attention and care in another direction. Not giving a damn may not quite be acceptance, but it can be a step in that direction, and a way to free yourself from an enmeshed, reactionary position. 

In conclusion, if you want to make yourself miserable, oppose reality. With the application of simple logic then, we can see that the reverse is also true -- if you want to be happy, accept what is. That doesn't mean you can't work to change it or influence it, it only means that your first step is always acceptance. As Katie says, "When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind and fearless." And that's the kind of action out of which true happiness grows.