"My personal challenge is to be with those who aren't able to make the choice to be happy. Can you blog about this?"
Sure, I can blog about damn near anything! It's up to you to decide whether what I write is useful or not... ;>) I do, however, welcome and and all questions.
First point: It's almost impossible for us to really know whether a person is "able" to make the choice to be happy or not. Ability is largely invisible. What we do know is that some people, a whole lot of people, seem unhappy and seem unwillingly to make choices that would help them be happier. Being around them can be a real pain in the ass (if we let it), so what can we do?
1) Be happy anyway. Whatever you do, don't let your mood sink to their dismal level. You do not have to let unhappy people "make" you unhappy, too. I don't mean flaunt your happiness in their faces, especially if their unhappiness has been precipitated by an unfortunate event. You can, however, maintain your happiness and be empathetic at the same time. Just don't fall into the "misery loves company" trap, that so many unhappy people, unwittingly, or not, set. Being happy anyway is the first, and most powerful, choice you can make.
2) Use humor. Humor has the ability to cut through some of the crap in life that we all take way, way too seriously at times. It helps us to regain perspective. If you can get a person to laugh, you have at least kindled a spark of happiness within them. Granted, some people seem to have no sense of humor, or, at the very least, they have a sense of humor that is extremely different from yours. With those folks, choose an alternative approach.
3) Ask them what's bothering them. Too often we fall into the trap of putting up with someone's bad moods and pretending that nothing's wrong. Or as Werner Erhard, the founder of the est training used to say, "I know what friendship is to you assholes -- I won't call you on your shit, if you don't call me on mine!" OK, you don't have to be quite so in-your-face, but you can at least ask people "What's wrong?" or "Is anything bothering you?" If they won't talk about it, or continue to pretend that nothing's wrong, while maintaining their unhappy demeanor, you may want to ask yourself whether now is a good time to be around them at all.
4) Pretend as if. Here's the exact opposite of strategy number three -- someone's in a bad mood, you pretend as if you don't even notice. You carry on as if they were in a good mood and treat them accordingly. Usually, one of two things happens. Either they begin to adopt a better mood, or they get really pissed off. Either change on their part, though, is an improvement on pervasive, unspoken unhappiness.
5) Offer help. Somebody's unhappy, just cut to the chase and offer help. "You seem unhappy, their Bucko, what can I do to help?" Lots of times you'll get the brush off at first. "Nothing," or "I'm fine" are both typical responses. Then you've got a choice. One you can wait and see if they step up to the plate and actually move their mood upwards along the happiness continuum. Or two, you can not take "fine" for an answer, and continue to press them on what's wrong. Or three, you can do something helpful for them anyways, even something small and merely symbolic, like holding the door or carrying a package, to show that you're there and that you care. One little act of kindness can sometimes be enough to move their mood in a positive direction, or, at least, get them to open up and talk about it.
6) Walk. Sometimes when people are in a perpetually crappy mood, its just time for you to walk away -- maybe temporarily, maybe permanently. Management guru Tom Peters talks about a company that made a policy that they would not work with unhappy people. It didn't matter whether the unhappy people were employees, suppliers or customers, if they were perpetually unhappy they just fired them and moved on. You, too, have the power to "fire" anyone in your life. You may want to give them some warning(s), but sometimes there are people who are literally too toxic or too unpleasant for us to handle, and with them the best solution is "sayonara."
Bottom line is that unhappy people don't have to make us unhappy or disempower us. It is up to each of us to decide, with each individual, in each specific situation, how much time and energy we want to invest in helping them choose happiness. We also need to realize that we are neither responsible for their choices nor their moods. Maintaining your own happiness is, in reality, the best thing you can do for others, too. That should always be your primary focus.
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David,
ReplyDeleteI like your perspective here! I think one key is whether 'unhappiness' is a chronic condition or a temporary condition.
A second key is whether that person is a 'be with by choice' person or 'have to be with' person such as a co-worker or family member that is stuck in your space.
Both of the above 'keys' will dictate which option will be effective or your ability to do.
I have found my self opting out of time spent with people that are chronic unhappy people and 'be with by choice' people. Although, I've had to deal with a bit of guilt in the process...accepting you can't make everyone happy is a profound learning.
Dave, Thanks for addressing this...I notice as you write a very deep correlation between happiness and being 'centered.' Keep it going!
Hey, Karen!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment on the blog. Both those issues -- temporary or chronic unhappiness, and choose-to-be-with versus have-to-be-with, crossed my mind when writing the post, but I didn't discuss them because I didn't want the post to be any longer than it already was. Obviously, as you mentioned, which strategies you choose, and how much effort you put into attempting to awaken happiness in others, depends to a good degree on these issues.
When you get right down to it, though, I'm not sure that there are any real "have to be with" people. You can always get a new job, or in our case, get new clients. And though it may not sound nice, even family members are "disposable" if their chronic unhappiness has too negative an impact upon you and your world. I'm not recommending it, but families are fractured everyday by one or more members being negative and unhappy and another member deciding they just don't want to live with it anymore.
And, of course, that brings us to the question of guilt. That's such a big topic that I may devote an entire future blog post to Happiness & Guilt. Thanks for the idea!
As you pointed out, happiness and being centered go hand-in-hand. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you can't really be happy for long unless you're centered -- both within your self and in the present. And come to think of it, when you're really centered, there is no experience of guilt. Hmmm.....
Ok, enough rambling. Thanks again for both reading and inspiring!
David